Going once, going twice, SOLD!
by SoldierG65434-2
Summary: The Shinigami Women's Association is holding an auction as a fund raiser. The item up for bid; a date with Soifon.


**DISCLAIMER:** The rights to all copyrighted material mention henceforth in this document are owned by their respective owners.

This was a request form siyentista. It turned out to be way longer than I though, but I'm pleased with it.

* * *

Soifon sat in her usual set in the corner of the Shinigami Women's Association meeting room, observing the scene around her.

Unohana sat talking tranquilly with Mayuri's Frankenstein daughter Nemu. The idea that Nemu was an artificial life form was unsettling to Soifon, and to most people.

At the other end of the table, Matsumoto sat talking cheerfully to Isane. The busty woman was obviously saying something that was making the timid medic uncomfortable, since her checks were red. Knowing Matsumoto, she was either talking about something crude or breasts.

Behind the podium, Nanao and Yachiru were arguing, probably about the budget. Soifon learned long ago that things like logic and reason were wasted on the pink-haired little girl who lived by her impulses. Yet Nanao still persisted.

"Ahem, attention," Nanao took her place behind the podium, apparently done arguing with Yachiru. Even though Nanao was only the Vice president of the Women's Association, she almost always ran the monthly meeting, due to her superior administrative abilities. "I would like to call this meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association to order." Nanao banged a small gavel on her podium. "Today, we will be finalizing the plans for the fundraising auction that we have been planning."

Yachiru, the president of the Women's Association, had a habit of using the monthly budget they were given by the Sereitei to by toys and candy. If the Association wanted to do anything, be it lobby for better facilities or take a trip, they had to hold fundraisers and put the money they earned in an account that Yachiru couldn't touch.

They had tried several in the past. They started out simple, with bake sales and yard sales. Then they decided to hold a talent contest. After that, they decided on the disastrous calendar shoot that resulted in a very embarrassing encounter between Soifon and Yoruichi that the former desperately wanted to forget and remember.

This time, they were going to try something unique. Matsumoto proposed the idea that the Women's Association auction off a date with one of the members. They hadn't decided on a member yet.

"I have the results of the surveys that I had Nemu and the Department of Research and Development distribute among all the Divisions." Nanao shuffled some papers on her desk. The surveys were questionnaires about the different members of the Association, excluding Yachiru. They wanted to know the demographics so that they could auction off the member that would net the highest bids.

"It appears that Soifon-taicho's company is in the highest demand, and by quite a large margin at that." Nanao readjusted her glasses.

"What?" Matsumoto and Soifon shouted in unison.

"What do you mean? Why?" Soifon scowled. She hadn't been serious when she offered her name to be submitted. She was using the survey as an intelligence gathering tool. She wanted to know what people thought of her.

"Let's see," Nanao shuffled some papers. "The most popular reason was your heritage. Your exotic and a lot of men find that attractive." Nanao continued down the list of responses. "Then there are the men who think your cold exterior hides a "nougaty center," as one man put it. Then there are the men who think that you're angry because you're lonely and want to rescue you." Soifon scoffed at the last one.

She was alone by choice, not because a man hadn't swooped in to save her. What were they even rescuing her from? A life without a blundering Neanderthal constantly interfering with her affairs? She was forced to interact with Omeada, that was enough.

"She's also were powerful, both physically and politically, and that's…" Nanao squinted to read the sloppy writing on the paper, "really freaking hot…to some people."

"There are also a disturbingly high number of men with bondage and submission fetishes, and they feel that you would be the most obliging in that area." Nanao readjusted her glasses, blushing. "There are also a disturbingly high number of men who are willing to admit that in writing."

"What about me?" Matsumoto pointed at herself. "What did they say about me?" She had though she would have won by a landslide. She had been shopping for outfits for the date all week.

"Almost everyone said that they felt that they wouldn't have to try to hard with you." Nanao answered flatly.

"Most people think me and Kyoraku-taicho are a couple, Isane is too timid, most people are afraid to go anywhere near anything with the last name Kurotsuchi, and Unohana-taicho is reminds people of their mothers." Nanao finished reading the results of the survey.

"So, it looks like we will be offering an evening with Soifon-taicho to the highest bidder next week." Nanao concluded.

"Wait…I didn't…" Matsumoto cut Soifon off.

"Relax, I'll help you get ready." Matsumoto said cheerfully. While losing to someone as frosty as Soifon was a blow to the ego, the prospect of a make-over was enough to cheer her back up.

Gritting her teeth, Soifon slumped in her chair in defeat. She had entered her name by choice, she just hadn't expected to win, so to speak, and she wasn't about to go back on her word.

This was for the good of female Shinigami, and it's not like she hasn't endured far worse. How bad could a date with a strange who most likely wanted her to stomp on his testicles be anyway?

* * *

A golden-eyed black cat lay curled up under a shade tree, lazily passing the afternoon. Her eyes scanned the passerby's on the sidewalk, observing their behavior.

Yoruichi had always found people-watching infinitely fascinating, and her ability of shape-shift gave her an added advantage in the activity. A person would alter their behavior if they knew a person sitting on a bench could see them, but no one cared what a cat thought. She could spend hours watching the strange rituals of humans.

Yoruichi was snapped out of her observations by the sound of a Shinigami appearing above her. He didn't seem to notice that the cat he hovered above was actually a former captain, so Yoruichi remained still. Shinigami were constantly coming in and out of Karakura, so it was not an unusual occurrence. A few minutes later, another Shinigami appeared.

"Hey," One of them, a male, greeted the other.

"What's up," The other, also a man, returned the greeting.

"Not much, not much…" The first answered. They talked business for a while, discussing what was happening with the preparations for the upcoming battle in winter. Most of the information Yoruichi already knew, so she simply tuned them out and went back to a frazzled mother trying to appease a crying child.

"Did you hear about what's happening with Soifon-taicho?" The first man asked. Yoruichi's ears instantly perked up, completely focused on the two Shinigami above her.

"Those broads in the Women's Association are finally doing something right for a change. They're holding an auction next week for a date with Soifon-taicho." The man ended excitedly.

"Who would be stupid enough to…" The second man started.

"Are you kidding? I'm putting in all my savings!" The second man interjected.

"Why?" The first man sounded horrified.

"Have you seen the way she moves? Can you imagine what she would be like in the sack?" The second man exclaimed.

"Yeah, I can." The first man laughed. "Afterwards, she'd probably devour your head because she no longer has a use for you." The first man said sarcastically, referencing the mating habits of the praying mantis.

"As long as she devours my other head first, if you know what I mean!" The second laughed heartily. Yoruichi felt an irrational rage built up inside her as she heard the men talk out Soifon. Hearing that man talk about having sex with Soifon, for money at that, made her want to literally claw his eyes out. Not that Yoruichi had any right to feel that way. That was even more infuriating.

Yoruichi's and Soifon's relationship was complicated at its most simple points. Born a master and servant, Soifon had been indoctrinated from her youth that Yoruichi was something otherworldly, someone who should be revered, honored, and feared. She had been told that she was unworthy to even be in the same room as Yoruichi and every moment they spent together was an honor and a blessing that should be later repaid with her life, if necessary.

Yoruichi had done her best to break down that cult of personality while she was still the Captain of the Second, and she had a little success. She succeeded in getting Soifon the caller her "sama" rather than the other, more official titles that she wanted to use. While Soifon would have never admitted it to herself, the eventually became friends. When Yoruichi wasn't with Urahara, she was with Soifon.

As time progressed, Yoruichi developed something of a crush on her timid, tom-boy subordinate. She hadn't acted on her feelings for several reasons. The rank and class difference would have just made things complicated. Soifon would have probably refused because of protocol. Yoruichi didn't even know if Soifon was interested in girls. Yoruichi didn't even know if she was really interested in girls. At the time, they were only teenagers; they weren't ready for a real relationship.

The most crippling impediment, however, was Yoruichi's fear of rejection. While most people perceived Yoruichi as cold and almost unfeeling, the truth was that she kept her emotions buried because she actually felt very deeply.

After returning from her exile and seeing the woman that Soifon had become, Yoruichi was finding it more difficult to deny her feelings. But the fear of rejection was multiplied ten-fold because not only and she hurt Soifon deeply by abandoning her, as she saw it, but the Soifon that Yoruichi had returned to was almost a complete different person. After everything with Aizen came into light, Soifon was forgiving. Still angry, but understanding. That didn't change the fact the Soifon had changed so much in a century. Yoruichi had changed too, but hers were not as drastic as Soifon's.

The past was the past and could not be changed. Amended, but not changed. However, the future was not without hope.

_A week_, Yoruichi thought as she stretched. _That's not a lot of time…_

_

* * *

_

Matsumoto poked her head out from behind the curtain that concealed the stage. Behind her was an easel with a pad of paper, a single seat, and a podium. The seats in the auditorium were quickly filling up with eager men.

"Wow, looks like it's going to be a full house." Matsumoto said in disbelief.

"Are you serious?" Soifon took a peak as well. The part of her that had thought that the survey answers had been a joke was silence by the vast number of men taking their seats before her.

"It's almost time to get started." Nanao clapped her hands. "Everyone, take your places." Matsumoto stood next to the easel and Isane stood behind the podium.

"What do I do?" Soifon asked, afraid of the answer.

"All you need to do is sit there," Nanao pointed to the chair, "and try not to look like you're going to maul the winner." Begrudgingly, Soifon took a seat.

* * *

Yoruichi leaned against one of the dark corners of the lobby of the auditorium, scanning the men entering the hall for the perfect candidate. In front of the main entrance, Nemu stood holding a large box of paddles, each with a different number. Some men took one, others did not.

Yoruichi needed someone, safe, someone unassuming. She needed to pick someone who Soifon couldn't take seriously as a potential suitor. They also needed to be unconnected with her. The more of a strange he was, and the less likely he would be to actually try and purse her, the better the odds of Soifon opening up to them and revealing useful information.

After about ten minutes of waiting, Yoruichi spotted him. He was young, probably just out of the academy, maybe a year or two of service. The standard Shinigami uniform told Yoruichi that he was in neither the Second nor the Onmitsukido. He was rather short and a bit scrawny, with shaggy brown hair. To top it all off, he wore glasses. Not the stylish kind that Nanao Ise wore, but the thick, corrective kind.

"Hey, you!" Yoruichi called out to the boy. It was an odd phenomenon when someone called out anonymously into a crown. No matter what the odds, the intended target always seemed to know they were being hailed.

The boy looked around in disbelief for a few moments before realizing that the woman in the corner had called to him. Yoruichi waved him over.

"S…Shihoin-dono!" The boy said in surprise when he got close enough to realize who had called him.

"Shhh," Yoruichi hushed him. "And just Yoruichi will do. What's your name?"

"Hitoshi Nakamura, ma'am." Hitoshi saluted.

"I told you to relax." Yoruichi chided, a little annoyed. 'So, Hitoshi, come to try and win yourself a date with Soifon?" It had been difficult for Yoruichi to contain herself as she listened to the lewd and lascivious conversations of the bidders as they passed by.

"Oh no, no." Hitoshi shock his head. "I just came here for the spectacle."

"That's a shame," Yoruichi sighed. "There are plenty of people who would kill for an evening with her."

"Well," Hitoshi said thoughtfully, "She is a pretty lady. I can see why."

"Listen," Yoruichi took him under her arm. 'I want you to win that date." She poked him in the chest.

"What? Why?" Hitoshi asked.

"That's not important right now." Yoruichi explained.

"But how?" Hitoshi asked. "There are tons more people here with loads more money than I have."

"I'll fit the bill." Yoruichi explained.

"Why are you doing this? How do I know that I can trust you?" Hitoshi asked.

"I give you my word as the current head of the Shihoin Clan." Yoruichi put her hand over her heart. "I'll explain everything latter. Right now, all you have to do is go win that date. I don't care how high the bidding goes, just win it!" With that, Yoruichi shoved the boy towards Nemu. Cautiously, he grabbed a paddle and looked for a seat.

* * *

The three women watched as the curtain rose in front of them.

"Good afternoon, boys." Matsumoto greeted the crowd flirtatiously. "As you all know, we are holding an auction today for a lovely evening with the Captain of the Second Division and the Commander-in-Chief of the Onmitsukido, Soifon." Matsumoto motioned to Soifon as if she were a prize on a game show. There was a deafening cheer from the crowd.

"Settle down," Matsumoto calmed the crowed. "Before we get started, I'm going to outline just what you should expect on you date." Matsumoto lifted up the first, blank sheet on the easel. "You'll start with dinner at _Niyotte Gatsu Raito."_ Matsumoto flipped the page. "Then, an after dinner activity of mutual consent." The words "mutual consent" were underlined. There were jeers from the crowd. "And last, and the end, a good night kiss." This was met with a pandemonium of cheers and shouts. Soifon could even make out cat-calls over the din.

This was exactly why she hated men. When presented with the prospect of sex, no matter how comically slim those chances were, they completely forget what it was to be human. They became animals hell bent on one thing. Soifon could guarantee that none of the men in the crowd would be acting this way if it wasn't for the fact that one of them would be "buying" her for an evening.

_If only they had opened the bidding up to women_, Soifon shook her head. _Maybe then I would have a chance of getting _some _pleasure out of the evening. _

No human, not matter what they preached and professed, was fully in control of their baser instincts. While Soifon's heart belonged fully and completely to Yoruichi, her body wasn't so discriminating. That wasn't to say that she would ever cheat on Yoruichi, should they ever end up together through some bizarre set of circumstances. Why would she? There was no woman that even came close to a fraction of her beauty. It was just that Soifon wasn't willing to burn herself out on a fools hope. Until the day that Yoruichi returned her feeling, which would also be the same day that pigs started flying and Omeada actually became component, the lesser women that Soifon bedded would have to suffice.

"We will start the bidding at 75,000 kan." Isane banged a gavel, signaling the start of the auction. Immediately, hundreds of paddles flew into the air. "Do I hear 100,000?" Isane asked, her words quite and measured, very unlike an auctioneer. About half of the hands fell with disappointed groans.

"Do I hear 125,000?" Isane raised the bid. Again, roughly half the hands fell. Hitoshi sat with the paddle in his lap, too afraid to bid, lest he be assaulted by some of the stronger, rowdier men. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Yoruichi in the corner of the room with her arm raised and flailing in the air. She was pointing at him with her free hand. Cautiously, he raised her paddle.

"Do I hear 150,000?" Isane raised the stakes yet again. This time, about three fourths of the hands fell. Suddenly, a large, boorish man with two short braids stood up from his seat and punched the man next to him, who had been holding his paddle up.

"300,000!" The man exclaimed confidently. The entire group of men groaned loudly. Curses and jeers were shouted at him.

"300,000? Isane exclaimed in disbelief. That was more that the Women's Association's budget. She looked to Matsumoto, who signaled her to keep going. "Do I hear 325,000?" The man crossed his arms and smirked confidently. Hitoshi looked to Yoruichi, who was shaking her head feverishly. Fearfully, he raised his paddle.

"325,000," Isane pointed to Hitoshi. The man in the back let out a cry of anguish and began to throw chars around, screaming. "Do I hear 350,000?" No one raised their paddle. The man with the braids continued to carry on. "325,000 going once," Still no one challenged, "Twice," none still, "Sold!" Isane banged the gavel.

Soifon sat in her chair on the stage, glaring daggers at the boy who had won the auction, hoping that it would deter him. It didn't, unfortunately. Soifon's weakness was duty. If she perceived it as her duty, she would go through with it, no matter what. If an evening of awkward dinner conversation and a good night kiss would help female Shinigami, then she could endure.

In the dark corn, Yoruichi smiled triumphantly.

_Phase one is a success…_

_

* * *

_

"Thanks for letting us use your house as a base of operations, Kukaku." Urahara said as he unloaded the last of the bags that he had been shuttling from his shop. "I would have used my shop, but the whole different-plane-of-existence thing would have made it extraordinarily difficult."

"Yeah, yeah," Kukaku waved off the gratitude. "Just don't break anything." Kukaku looked to the boy who was standing close to Yoruichi, looking scared. "Who's the kid?"

"This is Hitoshi, the star of the evening." Yoruichi pushed the boy forward to greet the busty woman. He was currently wearing a kimono, in preparation for the evening.

"Hello, ma'am." Hitoshi bowed.

"Don't touch anything." Kukaku said before she left. Urahara walked over to the workbench that he set up on one of Kukaku's spare rooms. On it was a television, a VCR, and a tape recorder. Urahara sat down behind the television.

"Did you read over the questions I gave you?" Yoruichi turned to Hitoshi as Urahara tinkered with some wires.

"Yes," Hitoshi nodded.

"Remember, ease them into conversation. Don't just ask them outright." Yoruichi explained. After Yoruichi finished fixing his hair, Urahara called him over.

"This," Urahara held up a tiny, black device. "Is a microphone." He clipped it into the interior of the kimono. "It transmits directly to us, so you don't have to worry about having a recorder strapped to you." He turned it on and put on a set of headphones.

"Say something." Urahara beckoned.

"Uhhhh…test?" Hitoshi spoke at his regular speaking level. Urahara gave him a thumbs up.

"And Yoruichi…" Urahara looked to his friend.

"Something." Yoruichi said flatly, standing a few feet away.

"Cute," Urahara said sarcastically. "Everything is working fine. There's one more thing I have to give you." Urahara took out a pair of glasses and handed them to Hitoshi, who eyed the curiously. "Don't worry, their your prescription." Hitoshi put them on, and Urahara pressed a button on them. Turning around, he turned the television on. On the screen was everything that Hitoshi was seeing.

"Wow," Hitoshi looked at the screen. "That's pretty neat."

"We all set?" Yoruichi asked impatiently.

"I believe so. " Urahara turned around to Hitoshi. "Go get 'em, tiger." He said encouragingly.

"Remember," Yoruichi took him by the shoulder. "If, by some fluke, you get found out, immediately tell her what's going on. I don't want you getting killed because she thinks you're a spy." Hitoshi palled.

"B..but I _am_ a spy!" Hitoshi gulped.

"Yeah, but not the bad kind." Yoruichi said as she shoved him out of the door. Yoruichi watched him exit with a tinge of disappointment.

For once in Yoruichi's life, she was totally out of her element. She hadn't had a normal childhood with school yard crushes and dates. She had attended a few gift giving ceremonies that were part of her various betrothals, but that was about the extent of the romantic experience. As a result, Yoruichi was approaching this situation as she did combat; gather intelligence on your enemy and use that information to maneuver yourself into the most advantageous position.

* * *

Matsumoto entered Soifon's quarters with a large box of make-up in her arms.

"You do realize that you're a soldier?" Soifon asked as Matsumoto slammed the box down Soifon's desk.

"But that doesn't meant I can't look good." Matsumoto pushed Soifon down into a chair. She was already wearing a blue cheongsam with golden designs and slits that ran mid thigh on either side that allowed her legs movement. Matsumoto began to apply make-up to Soifon's face.

"No, here are some guidelines for your evening." Nanao said as she paced back and forth. "No threats, no physical violence, no verbal abuse, no disappearing half-way through the night…."

"Purse you lips," Matsumoto said to Soifon. She applied some lip-stick.

"It's a date," Nanao concluded. "Not a scowl. Try to be personable. Hold up your end of the conversation. Answer question. If you do not entertain you date adequately, he may withdraw his funds."

"Don't worry," Soifon reassured as Matsumoto applied eyeliner. "This is for the good of the Association. I think I can endure." Soifon was approaching the situation in much the same way one thing about taking medicine; a necessary evil. Matsumoto padded Soifon's checks with some rouge.

"And if you put out, we might get a little extra!' Matsumoto contributed. Her suggestion was met with disapproving scowls. "What, I'm just saying." She shrugged as she prayed Soifon with some perfume.

"Apart from that," Nanao flipped through her notes. "There really isn't anything else for me to tell you."

"There, all done." Matsumoto smiled approvingly and turned back to the box. She hadn't touched Soifon's hair, save for brushing out a few knots. Her hear was her trademark. "You really should wear make-up more often." She said as she rummaged through the box. She turned around holding two pairs of blue high heels; one with open toes and one with closed. "Which ones?"

"Neither." Soifon responded coldly. "What's wrong with the shoes I'm wearing now?" She was still wearing her standard shoes.

"Nothing, if you plan of kicking people in the head." Matsumoto replied.

"But what happens if an emergency occurs? I can't run in those." Soifon reasoned.

"What happens if you run into the kraken? Where's your harpoon?" Matsumoto mocked. "It's a date, you're not going to be fighting anyone, that's why you're not taking your zanpakuto. If you absolutely _have_ to run, just kick the off." Sighing in defeat, Soifon chose the ones with the closed toes.

* * *

Yoruichi and Urahara watched the television as Hitoshi approached the door to Soifon's quarters. The boy kept a surprisingly steady head, which they were both thankful for. They watched as Hitoshi raised his hand and knocked on the door.

"I suppose I should start theses now." Urahara pressed a button on the tape recorder and the VCR. The headphones had been removed from the tape recorder and the sound was running through speakers. Slowly, Soifon's door opened and Yoruichi's jaw nearly hit the floor.

Soifon was wearing a tight, blue dress that a person usually identified as Chinese, with gold trim and intricate golden designs. The cut of the dress was very flattering. Soifon wasn't the curviest woman, but her perorations were perfect for her size. She was slender and athletic, so it made sense that her breasts would be small but pert. Yoruichi did not expect, however, for Soifon to have such a nice butt, when it wasn't obstructed by her baggy uniform. She also seemed taller, but the clicking sound they heard as she moved her feet revealed that she was wearing high heels.

What was most surprising, however, was that she was wearing make-up. It looked to be expertly applied, so she probably didn't do it, or at least Yoruichi couldn't imagine that she did. Her eyes were sensually dark and her lips were a deep red. Her checks also had more color to them.

"Wow," Urahara said, a little surprised. "She cleans up good." He finished approvingly.

"What do you mean cleans up?" Yoruichi never took her eyes of the television. 'She looked good before."

"Ehh," Urahara shrugged. "I wasn't feeling the whole butch vibe she had."

"Just because she a strong woman who dresses practically doesn't make her butch!' Yoruichi defended.

"Whatever," Urahara shrugged, "One of you has to be the guy." Yoruichi shook her head dismissively.

* * *

"Uhhh…Uhhh," Hitoshi was dumbstruck by the woman before him.

"Let's go," Soifon began to walk down the hall. "The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be finished." Hitoshi snapped out of his daze and followed behind her. Soifon continued to walk confidently forward, unaware that both Hitoshi's and Yoruichi's eyes were affixed firmly to her rear.

"Hmm," Hitoshi finally broke his eyes away and began to look around. There was nobody in sight.

"What?" Soifon asked, not looking back.

"I just expected there to be throngs of people watching us." Hitoshi answered.

"I have the Onmitsukido guarding the perimeter and have threatened them with pain of death to ensure that I depart and return in privacy." Soifon smirked a little. Hitoshi paled.

It suddenly dawned on him just how much potential danger he was in. Just looking at Soifon's exposed arms told him just how strong she was, regardless of her rank. And now, she just demonstrated that she had the power to stifle curiosity.

The two of them wasted no time reaching _Niyotte Gatsu Rait. _A reservation had already been made, so they were seated immediately. The interior was decorated to amplify the atmosphere. The lighting was low, with the only light coming from lanterns hanging from the ceiling. The entire restaurant was decorated with expensive artifacts and pieces of art.

"What will you be having his evening, ma'am?" The waiter came up to them almost as soon as they were seated.

"Sushi and oolong." Soifon replied after a brief glance over the menu.

"I'll have…uhhh." Hitoshi hesitated. "shiromuno and water." The both handed the waiter their menus. The sat in silence until their food was delivered.

"Tell me boy," That was what Hitoshi was to Soifon, "What possessed you to spend so much money on an evening with me?" Soifon asked dafter she took a bit from her food.

"Well…" Hitoshi searched his brain for his rehearsed answer. "The Women's Association needed the money, and I thought you might enjoy my company over some of the other people."

"How very altruistic." Soifon replied, a bit sarcastically.

"But it's not just that," Hitoshi continued. "You're a fascinating person, and I hoped that I might get to know a little more about you."

* * *

"Tell him to move his head." Yoruichi demanded of Urahara. Whether it was deliberately or accidently, the camera lens was centered right on Soifon's bust as they ate. "Tell him to move his head!" She shouted.

"I can't." Urahara held up his hands defensively. "We can't communicate with him."

"Why not?" Yoruichi demanded.

"This is why!" Urahara replied. "You'd be screaming at him the whole time not to look at her!"

"Alright, I hear shouting." Kukaku threw open the door to her spare room. "What's going on here?"

"Spy camera theater," Urahara answered casually. "Care to join us?" Kukaku shrugged and walked over.

"So, what am I watching, exactly?" Kukaku asked.

"You see," Urahara took the liberty of explaining the situation. "Yoruichi here is crushing on our friend Soifon, so rather than actually talking to her like a well adjusted person would, she's using that boy you saw earlier as a mole to pump her for information."

"Holy hell, woman!" Kukaku exclaimed, turning to Yoruichi. "Could you have possibly thought of a more elaborate plan to get into Soifon's pants?"

"I could have asked him to come up with one." Yoruichi pointed to Urahara.

"It's true," Urahara agreed. "My plan would have involved a net gun and some kind of flying machine."

* * *

"I would like to know more about you, first." Soifon replied. "I'm not comfortable divulging personal information to a stranger." She didn't want to divulge any information period, but it was for the Association.

"Well," Hitoshi spooned at his soup. "My dad was a Shinigami, and my grandfather, so on. Soul reaping is in my blood." Hitoshi said proudly.

"Where did a boy from a family of soldiers get so much money?" Soifon asked.

"Uhhh…." Hitoshi remembered his cover story. "Before I went into the academy, I was saving up to start my own business."

"And so you spent your life savings on a date with me?" Soifon was shocked.

"It was for a good cause." Hitoshi shrugged. Soifon smirked approvingly. The boy had a good attitude, at least.

The rest of dinner was uneventful, spent mostly in silence as Hitoshi tried in vain to work up the courage to ask Soifon the questions he had been charged with. They paid their bill and left the restaurant.

"What do you want to do now?" Soifon turned to Hitoshi. In her high heels, she was taller than him.

"There's a garden around here," Hitoshi pointed, "We could just walk around there for a while."

"That sounds tolerable." Soifon started in the direction Hitoshi pointed. They arrived in a few minutes to a public park area, with groves of flowers, shade trees and gazebos. There was a stone path around the area that leaded visitors along the most seeing rout.

"You wished to know more about me," Soifon spoke after some time, "Ask your questions."

"Uhhh," Hitoshi stammered. "As you could tell from the auction, there are plenty of men who would kill to be with you, if only for one night, yet no one has ever seen you spend time with any man except Omeada-fukutaicho, and you physically and verbally abuse him. Is there anyone else in your life?" Hitoshi cringed, bracing himself for impact.

"It should go without saying, but everything said tonight is completely confidential and if break your silence, there will be severe consequences." There was something about Hitoshi that was wholly benign. He was completely none-threatening. Soifon knew her words would be enough to bind him to secrecy, so she felt comfortable answering the question. "I have no interest in men."

"Wha…!" Hitoshi half-gasped.

"Men have brought me nothing but trouble. They constantly meddle in your affairs because they think you are too stupid to handle them yourself. They constantly try to defend you, even though I've proven time and again that I don't need it. They're arrogant, crude, obnoxious…" Soifon trailed off. "Besides, women know what women want." She ended with a smirk and the faintest hint of coyness.

* * *

"Whew!" Yoruichi sighed. "So it's confirmed, she's a lesbian."

"You mean you two went through all this trouble and you didn't even know if she was a rug muncher?" Kukaku asked in disbelief.

"How could I?" Yoruichi asked.

"How could you not?" Urahara responded. "I guessed that _way_ back when." He referred to the time when they were all in the Gotie 13.

"Well, I'm not a genius like some people." Yoruichi crossed her arms defensively.

"You're a smart girl, but sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees." Urahara replied.

"Hey, wait a second." Kukaku spoke up. "I remember you telling me about banging dudes before. Since when were you a clam-jouster?"

"First off, I've only had sex 3 times in my life." Despite the way she acted sometimes, sex was not the center of Yoruichi's life. She didn't actively abstain from it, nor did she seek it. Most of the urges she had she could handle herself. "And looking back, the only time I got anything out of my few times was when I was in complete control, and then it was less like sex and more like using the worlds mot incontinently dildo."

"So you've had a few duds," Kukaku shrugged. "That's no reason to jump ship."

"It's not just about sex." Yoruichi replied. "I genuinely like Soifon, the fact that I find her physically attractive is just a bonus."

"Suit yourself." Kukaku shrugged. "That just means that there's more for me."

* * *

Soifon and Hitoshi arrived back at the door to Soifon's quarters. Again there was no crowed there to greet them as Hitoshi had expected.

"You surprised me, boy." Soifon turned to Hitoshi. "Tonight turned out to not be nearly as excruciating as I expected it."

"Uhh…thanks?" Hitoshi didn't know whether that was a compliment or not.

"There's one last thing that needs to be taken care of," Soifon took a few steps closer to Hitoshi. He could smell her perfume.

* * *

"I can't watch this." Yoruichi curled up into a ball in her chair. Had she watched, she would have seen that the brief kiss was delivered on the check with perfunctory obligation. They said their good nights and the date was over.

"I think that's all we need." Urahara leaned forward and pressed the "stop" button on the recorders. "Would you like a transcript?" He asked sarcastically, holding up the tapes.

"No," Yoruichi rose and grabbed the tapes. "I'll take theses now and get to work." Before Urahara could protest, Yoruichi vanished.

"She does realize that she's way over thinking this situation, doesn't she?" Kukaku looked to Urahara.

"No, I don't think so." Urahara answered.

"And she does realize that all she would have to do is say the word and Soifon would be the fastest booty call in the world?" Kukaku asked again.

"I'm afraid not." Urahara responded. It would take a buffoon to miss how Soifon acted around Yoruichi.

"Well, that was fun while it lasted." Kukaku stood up. "I'm going to go blow shit up, care to join me?"

"Of course I do!"Urahara sprung up and followed Kukaku to her testing chamber.

* * *

Soifon sat behind her desk, shuffling papers, looking for the most pressing. It had been a week since the date and the commotion seemed to have died down. The only real repercussions was that the Women's Association's inbox was inedited with questions wanting to know when and who the next auction was. Soifon looked up at the sound of knocking.

"Come in," Soifon beckoned commandingly. She was surprised to see a dark-skinned woman in an orange jacket in the door frame. "Y…Yoruichi-sama?"

"Hey Soi," Yoruichi greeted, trying her best to sound casual.

"How can I…what are you…?" Soifon stammered.

"So tense all the time," Yoruichi laughed. "Speaking of, when's the next time you have off?"

"I don't know." Soifon answered. "I don't schedule time off. Why?"

"Well, there's this new sushi bar that opened up in Karakura and I was wondering if you wanted to try it out with me?" Yoruichi asked with the faintest hint of a blush. She had spent the last week analyzing the tapes, looking for her best chances of wooing Soifon.

"S…sure!" Soifon answered eagerly. How could she say no to anything Yoruichi requested, especially when it involved spending time with her? "I'll let you know as soon as possible when I'll be able to!"

"Great." Yoruichi smiled in relief. "I'll see you then." She left Soifon to her work.

_That's strange_, Soifon though after the news had time to sink in. _I just had sushi…_


End file.
